Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If that was your dad, he is hot
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
