sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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