drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
