We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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