I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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