Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
