I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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