dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
