today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
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As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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