Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize