I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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