No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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