Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
