If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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