So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
