So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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