I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
