dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
