You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
