When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
