I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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