I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
