This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
