I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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