I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
