One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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