my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I deserve this hangover.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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