You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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