oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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