my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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