i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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