oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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