I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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