I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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