Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
being pregnant is like rehab
When are your genitals available?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
ok first of all what the fuck
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
