so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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