worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
