I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
