he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
