My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
