A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
