Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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