he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
