you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
