RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
