At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
