At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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