He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
