Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They are going to name an STD after you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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