Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
