Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
