I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
false alarm, still single
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