Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
