i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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