i just wanna soil my oats bro
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
