But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
