I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
