grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My hand turned me down
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We left the knife in your bed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
