I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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