lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
