The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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