If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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