Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
