if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
whose parrot is this?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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